Comparison

Our kids played in this puddle for 30 minutes, engaged with tadpoles and water worms. Barefoot and content. Not asking for more, not asking to be entertained. Allowing the magic of imagination to take hold and guide each step. How many times do we rush our kids? How often do we hurry them because WE want to move on to something else? How often do we sit and scroll on our phones when our children are caught up in the wonderment of this magical earth we live on and we miss it? We have to stop. We have to do better. Sit in the stillness, the silliness, the ordinary that is so extraordinary to them.

We live in an automatic world. A world that doesn’t allow us to sit still. That prevents boredom. I found myself after 5 minutes wanting to move on to something else. Then I had what I call a holy moment. I asked myself, why? What else did we have to do? Where did we need to be? I don’t know, nothing and nowhere. None of those were good enough answers to pull these innocent littles out of their fun zone for selfish reasons. Instead, I snapped a picture, put my phone in the buggy and helped catch countless tadpoles. I watched them enjoy themselves and memorized the joy etched onto their little faces.

We rush through life. Rushing from one high to the next and no I am not talking about drugs. It seems like everything must be exciting, distinctive, fresh, original. Many people wonder how we got here, but I know exactly how we got here. Smart Phones and social media. Before everything was shared across this vast globe, our comparison barometer was minuscule. It barely existed. Sure the art of comparison has always been there. It is a given that people will compare. But now… it is all-encompassing. We compare parenting styles, academics, sports, hobbies, clothes, food, summer camps, baby milestones, wrinkles, hair, nails, shoes, homes, cars, etc. We compare every stupid thing. Why? Because it is out there for us to see… someone shared something, we saw it, formed a good or bad opinion on it and then felt the need to compare. Those comparisons are either public or private, but they are there.

Comparison kills. Comparison is evil. Comparison steals joy. It is completely detrimental yet most of us are so deep in it, that we have no way to swim to the surface, no clue which way is up. The scariest part is that comparison seeps into all areas of our lives and sprinkles all over our littles that watch us so closely. They pick up on every single comparison. Moms compare themselves to other moms. Dads comparing themselves to other dads. Parents comparing what they have versus what other families have. Parents comparing their children and their abilities against others. It has to stop. It’s not healthy and it is not sustainable. We have to shift the paradigm. Celebrate yourself and the talents you have without comparing yourself to someone else and harping on the things you do not have. Read that again, celebrate yourself and what you have without comparison to anything or anyone else. 

Every person is made beautiful and unique (unless you are a spawn, narcissist, psychopath, sociopath). I am so concerned about the direction our teenagers are traveling. They travel this path because we make it okay for them too. They travel this path because it is accepted and the so-called norm. The amount of times I have heard a parent say that they are getting their child an Iphone because all of the other kids have one and they do not want their kid to feel left out is GHASTLY. When did children start to rule the roost? When did parents, by the majority, start caring so much about being liked by their children instead of being the leader of the household and making the safer, better for them decisions? News Flash, we aren’t here to be our children’s friends. We are here to raise them into good, productive, responsible, emotionally resilent, strong and contributing members of society. We are not here to be their bestie. Get a grip. You cannot let your drive for a close relationship with your kids override the need to parent them correctly. Apparently this is an unpopular opinion, but we are here to provide and protect them, not dress up like them and make a Tik Tok dance to an explicit song, with moves way too advanced for a child. You are in the driver seat and there are no back seat drivers. Allowing your children to dictate is a dangerous path. A mom told me one day that she really didn’t want her 5 year old to play Roblox, but she lets him because all of his friends play and he felt left out. Mary Poppins might as well have called me a codfish because my mouth was wide open in shock. That right there allows you to succumb to continually being pushed over by your kids and believe me, they are taking notice. Your kids do not have much to think about on a daily basis. So, maybe you don’t recall all of the times that you allowed them to dictate to you or change your stance on something. However, they remember and they will continue to try and convince you to side with them because of it. On top of that, on the off chance that you decide you really do not want them to do (fill in the blank) they will push back, try and negotiate and perhaps even throw a fit. They do this because they remember all the times they won. Because of this, they do not know how to handle not winning with you. They will throw a hissy fit when things do not work in their favor. If you do not have clear boundaries when raising your kids you are setting yourself up for manipulation, exploitation and disrespect. Beyond that, you will not create an emotionally resilient child. Emotional resilience is pertinent in this world and the lack of that resilience is the reason so many children and teens are anxious and depressed. 

Guess what? All of this is driven by comparison. The way you parent, the relationship you think you ought to have with your kids, the way you dress them, treat them, sign them up for hobbies. It is all driven by comparison and it is killing their childhood. Killing their childhood and turning teenagers into miniature comparison minions which guess what? THEIR BRAINS cannot handle it. They need guidance, they want you to tell them NO this is not okay, NO, being petulant is unacceptable, NO, this is not safe, No, this is not right, No, that is impolite, NO, that is bad manners, BECAUSE you are the one in charge. They need to be told no, it is not okay to throw a fit or tantrum or have a meltdown about xyz. You lead them, not the other way around. 

Community Parent

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Do you remember growing up and getting called out by other parents? I sure do. Friend’s parents, neighbors, teachers, coaches, random adults. You name it. These adults were helping me and my friends be good and respectful citizens. They did it because it was the right thing to do. When they saw a kid being out of line, being disrespectful, ill mannered, rude or just a downright jerk, they spoke up and put us in our place. 9 out of 10 of my friends were required to have manners. It was a must in their household and mine. If I had a friend that wasn’t automatically using yes ma’am and no ma’am, yes sir and no sir, they were quick to be corrected by my parents. I do not see the same demand for respect these days. I remember all of these life lessons and I still carry them with me. I like to call it community parenting, because it truly takes a village and if we want our children to be genuinely respectful and good, they need to be called out when they are acting up. This doesn’t mean they are bad. All kids are good, but sometimes they do bad things and if they are not afraid and do not respect the adult peers in their life, they will have a tougher time in life finding their way to the good path.

I say all of this because this way of life seems to be so far removed from what is happening this day in age. I see parent’s ignoring other kids bad behaviors every day. They just look the other way and I know why. They are so afraid of upsetting the parent that instead of doing what is right for the kid, they ignore the behavior which is in fact condoning the behavior. When did we all become so defensive? Who cares if an adult calls out your child for their behavior that is wrong? Not me and you shouldn’t either as long as it is done for the right reasons. I believe in speaking firmly and direct to children when they have behaviors that need to be corrected. Does a CEO speak in a soft gentle voice when their employee just took a 3 hour lunch? I sure hope not. That would not be a very successful company. Coaches are no longer allowed to truly Coach any longer because parent’s think they are being too hard.

The other week I spoke about the lack of grit in most kids and young adults. Accountability has a lot do with the fundamentals of grit. If you are never held accountable by more than just your direct chain of command aka your parents then you will not be successful in life. You will be incapable of handling criticism, feedback, rejection, ridicule, etc. Y’all. It TAKES A VILLAGE. So, if we are all here in this village why are we not doing better by our children? Instead of allowing this post to ruffle your feathers. I would love it, if you would think about this a little more. Give it a chance to soak into that beautiful brain of yours and penetrate to the subconscious mind where change truly happens. We are doing our little people a disservice by not holding them accountable WHEREVER they may travel.

I do not need to give it, but here it is. PLEASE correct my children when they are out of line. No matter how small the infraction is. Call them out. Put them in their place and I assure you they will be better for it and you have me and Joseph’s permission. Not that you need it. We have to start having each others backs when it comes to the way our children act. I don’t know about you, but we want our kids to be able to handle the hard stuff. When they are being held to a high standard by the adults in their community, their since of accountability is higher, which means they can handle harder things, which means we have less to worry about as they grow up in this big ol’ world we live in.

This post came out in a flash. I have been thinking about this topic since the very first time Hunt went to Faskin park and I saw some teenagers being way out of line at a park with a lot of small kids. Did I get on to them? You bet your sweet cheeks I did. Ever since that day I have been trying to empower others to be a community parent. We have to stop being afraid that Sally Jo is going to be upset with us for calling out her kid. That is Sally Jo’s problem, and not yours. She needs to take a good long look in the mirror, because little Bobby Ray is kind of a jerk and if she doesn’t watch it, he is going to grow up to be a big jerk one day. ( The characters in this post are completely made up). All kidding aside. I want more for all of our kids. Everything I do is done out of pure love for the kids in the community. Showing up for our kids is LOVE, demanding that they act right, be respectful and mind their manners, IS LOVE. If we can’t see that as a community we have a big problem. Let’s start showing up and pushing each other to be better.

Back to Basics

I grew up in small-town USA, back then our town had 3 stop lights, no grocery store, and a Dairy Queen. It was a place where we made our own fun, where you could count on your neighbor, football was life and word definitely got around. We lived a simple life. Simple everyday moments were not just moments, they were bits of happiness. Happiness came in so many forms in our small town. Rainy day (tackle) football on the golf course behind our house, riding “the pipeline” on our bikes and finally committing to the huge jump, tumbling in the front yard to show off to cars as they drove past. Climbing to the roof to find an open window because we had forgotten our key and there was no other way to get inside. Leaping off the second story balcony onto the trampoline. Pushing computer chairs down the street dressed up in fancy gowns, because, why not? Our town was full of small town values. Our town demanded respect & manners or you would be made to do. Our small-town was full of mudding in my brothers Z71 during off period, turning up muddy pastures, mudding on 4 wheelers in Crosby, summer days at the lake, riding jet ski’s across the lake to other cities, sitting on the dock baking in the sun, eating Chili Cheese Fritos, peach-o's half baked by the sun and drinking Dr. Pepper ( or sprite for Mel). We were wild and carefree. If our parents were worried about us we surely didn’t know it. Because our parents knew everyone and everyone looked out for us even when we didn’t know it. Our parents trusted us and our community. If we met a new friend our parents had to meet their parents and that new kid before we could hang out with them. This was no matter how old we were. As long as we were home at sundown for supper we were free (within reason) to do what we wanted, explore for however long it took. We didn’t carry around cell phones so our parents could check on us or track our every move. We told them exactly where we would be or what we were doing and when Dad was ready for us to come home he would WHISTLE. We could hear that whistle from blocks away. My brother and I would, perfectly in sync, yell “COMING” at the top of our lungs and pedal as fast as we could to get there. We knew what our parent’s expectations were, we knew the rules, the boundaries and right from wrong. They trusted us to be responsible or we would have consequences.

In life you forget and take for granted the things that make you who you are, the core influences that shape you. Our world is so different from the world I grew up in. I am sad for our children and I try every day to do my part and give them a childhood similar to the one my brother and I had. One that is not stolen by the automatic life we now live in. Ones driven by smartphones, social media, binge watching and schedules. We no longer know how to wait for our turn, tolerate boredom and most are certainly not doing the work by hand. Instead, most pay someone else to do it for them. Getting instant gratification is how we live, so if we can't have it now, we feel anxious, stressed, and angry. Parents yell at their kids for their inability to be bored, their impatience, and their constant need to be entertained. Where do you think they learned that behavior? If as adults we can’t sit still for 1 minute without picking up our phones to entertain ourselves, because we are incapable of being content in the stillness, how will our children be content?

As you get older, you reconsider what you want in your life and what you want it to look like. I feel so lucky that my hometown afforded me so many meaningful memories that I can pass down to our kids. Memories that show how fulfilling and wonderful a simple life can be. As a kid I lived a life of freedom. Did I make mistakes and get hurt? Yes. But that is what is supposed to happen. Those mistakes taught me how to stand on my own two feet. I have a vivid memory of being 5 years old. I rode my bike by myself at this giant Catholic Church in Lake Charles. You see, our house backed up to this church and it was massive. It spanned several acres, with a school and numerous other buildings. While I was riding I thought I would do a trick on my bike as I rode barefoot. Well, that trick didn’t pan out like I thought it would and I took a nose dive into the concrete. Blood & skin everywhere. Tears were shed and screams left unheard. No one was around and I had to limp home, jump over the chainlink fence and find my mom to help me clean up. Did my parents make me stop riding my bike or shorten my leash after that accident? No. Was I scared to ride alone? No. Did I stop trying tricks? No. It made me more responsible, tougher, resilient and gritty. 

Grit is nearly non-existent among children, teens and young adults these days. They have no idea what grit is or truly means. It’s not their fault, it was the way they were raised. They were never unsupervised. They have been watched like hawks since they were babies. Their parents took care of everything for them, but they were incapable of being responsible for themselves or their space. They didn’t contribute to hard-work around the house, so they never had a sense of responsibility for themselves or their space. Anytime there was a problem it was solved for them. Books refer to these parents as helicopter & lawn mower parents. They are incapable of accepting criticism because they were always told they were the best and it wasn’t their fault. They never got to work out their own problems with friends because someone always intervened and shut the problem down or brushed it under the rug. Helicopter parenting and the like have made children into ineffective adults. They cannot face challenges head on. They give up, quit, cry, whine, complain, and deflect blame. This lack of grit is disempowering and is said to lead to depression. It is no wonder our world is in peril. Teen & young adult depression and suicide rates are off the charts and growing every year. But what are we doing to help? The opposite of what we should be doing, we coddle and protect even more. We continue to over-schedule never leaving our kids alone to figure things out for themselves. We demolish any and all obstacles before our kids even get the chance to make and learn from big mistakes. Failing is a part of life and learning to deal with failure is critical to survival.  

 The freedom I had as a kid is the same freedom we want to give our kids. My parents trusted us and because of that trust we are strong, resilient and tenacious. As parents we refuse to be afraid of the what-if. It is painful to see your child hurt or sad. However, terrible things happen in life and if our children never experience them as children they will be ill-equipped to deal with them as adults. And you thought the terrible two’s were bad… just wait until the terrible 22’s if you do not prepare your child. If we want our children to grow into strong adults, the type of people that will not back away from a fight, stand up for themselves and their friends. The type of people that can lose their job and instead of throwing themselves a pity party that loss lights a fire in their belly that drives them to find the job of their dreams. We have to let them make mistakes, play alone, solve disagreements, fight their own battles, make their own appointments, fill out their own candy grams and complete their own projects . Even at a young age. 

We let our kids play in the street, Hunt can ride his bike by himself in the neighborhood, if a friend lives in our neighborhood he has to ride his bike and ask if they can play, I do not call the parent and ask for him. Hunt gets to stay home alone for short periods of time. Another way we try to foster grit and responsibility is through chores. Our kids have real chores & responsibilities: scooping the poop, helping with the dishes, doing their own laundry, setting the table, clearing the table, feeding the dog, making their beds every morning, making their own breakfast and lunch, packing their own school lunch, unloading the groceries, etc. As they get older the responsibilities will grow. Another key lesson we teach our kids is being responsible for themselves and their things in the morning before school. If the time comes to leave and they do not have their backpacks ready- homework, lunch, water, teeth brushed, hair fixed, shoes on and whatever else they need for school, etc. If they forget something that is on them and we will not go back to the house to get those missing items. They will have to suffer the consequences at school and I guarantee you they will not forget again. If our kids decide to pursue a hobby they have to excel at it. They do not get to commit to something and put half effort into it. They have to practice and do their best. The same goes for school. Our children have the luxury of going to a private school, but we told them that if they are not doing their best and do not take it seriously, we won’t allow them to attend any longer. All of these small things add up to independence, self-reliance and responsibility. We have to STOP protecting/controlling these miniature humans to their demise. Allow them to make mistakes and learn. Give them the tools they need to survive and THRIVE in their life. 

Navigating Motherhood & Entrepreneurship

If you would have asked me 20 years ago what my life would look like as a mother, it would be far different than it is now. You see, growing up, through college and even in the first years of marriage I had always planned on being a stay at home mom. My mother was mostly a stay at home mom and the same went for my husband’s mother. As far as I knew that was the only way. 

 Fast forward to my life in Midland and meeting a lady  (through teaching barre class) who would become such a huge part of my story. That wonderful lady took a chance on a girl that she only knew through barre. But, experiencing my personality a few times a week through class was enough for her to offer me sales job in which I  had no previous experience. She saw me, got me and liked me.

That job started my very successful career in the oil & gas chemical sales business. And that lady became more than a boss to me, she became a mentor, a role model and a friend for life.  That lady is Lisa and Lisa showed me how it was possible to have a career and also be an amazing wife and mother without feeling guilty about not choosing one over the other. 

For the first time in my life I experienced first hand, from riding shotgun for hours on end with Lisa, what it would look like to be a career mom. Lisa and her husband, Bob have worked so hard for every single thing they have. They have 4 grown kids and 7 grandkids and yet still work to this day. Day in and day out I had the privilege of overhearing the respect, schedule rearranging, love, conflict resolution and care that goes into being a working mom. The way Lisa held those conversations changed me. Especially the ones she had with her husband. They still, after a lifetime together, ENJOYED having chit chat and little conversations throughout the day. Each one held so much love and respect and I am so grateful I got to overhear them. I didn’t grow up hearing married people speak to one another with respect and love, I overheard mostly annoyance, frustration and disdain. Lisa and Bob unbeknownst to them, gave me a marriage to look up to, which also gave me a motherhood, that INCLUDED a career to look up to.

After 2 years with Lisa,  an acquisition and  the arrival of our first child, I made another career change by joining Baker Hughes. Joining Baker Hughes was such a milestone for me, proud was an understatement. I grew up in small town USA. We didn’t spend our days talking about where we would go to University and we definitely did not have career women to look up to. So, when I landed a job making over 6 figures, with a global company, I blew all my small town dreams to smitherreens.  I got this job opportunity because of Lisa, because of one of her many relationships in the oil & gas industry, because of who she is and who she is has a lot to do with being a mother. She nurtures her business relationships just as she nurtures her children and grandchildren. Lisa gave me the introduction,  but I got the job. Not only did I win over the man who would be my boss, but I also won over the President of Chemicals at Baker Hughes. She was a tough, career gal herself and really loved what I stood for.  She flew me out to Houston for a final interview and while I was nervous to be interviewed by such an important person at Baker Hughes, I was also confident in who I was and what I had to offer. We immediately got on and found common ground through motherhood, volunteering and having strong personalities in a male dominated industry. This new job and its flexibility gave me the confidence that I could be a successful career woman and a successful mother.

Fast forward through 8 years of a successful sales career, full of ups and downs, setbacks and triumphs, through COVID working full time- 2 kiddos and a puppy  at home. Through all of the twists and turns, I  stayed the course and continued to grow as a person, wife and mother. My continual growth helped solidify my decision to step out on my own as an entrepreneur. Without Lisa and those 8 years studying, negotiating, growing, learning, observing and building, I might not have had the same competence or confidence as I do today. 

You see, every single thing we do in life makes a difference. But, It’s up to us as to what type of difference it makes. For me, the difference I am making is a good one. For me, my children are able to watch their mother set goals and accomplish them. They watch me struggle, fail, get back up and win. They get to be a part of my business through me. They get to experience people from all walks of life because of my real estate career. People that do not look like them or their peers. People that do not live in a home like theirs. People that have stories that they could only see on tv. But, now… they are exposed to so many different experiences and these experiences are helping to shape their world. These experiences broaden their viewpoint. We want our children to not have tunnel vision when it comes to life. We want them to understand and appreciate struggle and sacrifice. 

I’m not afraid to let our kids see me navigate motherhood and entrepreneurship. I’m not afraid to let them see the highs and lows. The tears and belly-aches. I won’t shield them from the anxiety, anger and angst of some days only to let them see the high-fives and hallelujahs. They get to see it all, they get to see my struggle and win. They get to watch me navigate the Mountains and Valleys, fires and floods. I know that allowing them to have a front row seat to my journey will slowly and subtly give them confidence to do so many things in life. It will also give them the security of knowing that they can come to me when they find themselves at a dead end on a one way street. Everything we do makes a difference and the difference I choose to make is an everlasting one.