Back to Basics

I grew up in small-town USA, back then our town had 3 stop lights, no grocery store, and a Dairy Queen. It was a place where we made our own fun, where you could count on your neighbor, football was life and word definitely got around. We lived a simple life. Simple everyday moments were not just moments, they were bits of happiness. Happiness came in so many forms in our small town. Rainy day (tackle) football on the golf course behind our house, riding “the pipeline” on our bikes and finally committing to the huge jump, tumbling in the front yard to show off to cars as they drove past. Climbing to the roof to find an open window because we had forgotten our key and there was no other way to get inside. Leaping off the second story balcony onto the trampoline. Pushing computer chairs down the street dressed up in fancy gowns, because, why not? Our town was full of small town values. Our town demanded respect & manners or you would be made to do. Our small-town was full of mudding in my brothers Z71 during off period, turning up muddy pastures, mudding on 4 wheelers in Crosby, summer days at the lake, riding jet ski’s across the lake to other cities, sitting on the dock baking in the sun, eating Chili Cheese Fritos, peach-o's half baked by the sun and drinking Dr. Pepper ( or sprite for Mel). We were wild and carefree. If our parents were worried about us we surely didn’t know it. Because our parents knew everyone and everyone looked out for us even when we didn’t know it. Our parents trusted us and our community. If we met a new friend our parents had to meet their parents and that new kid before we could hang out with them. This was no matter how old we were. As long as we were home at sundown for supper we were free (within reason) to do what we wanted, explore for however long it took. We didn’t carry around cell phones so our parents could check on us or track our every move. We told them exactly where we would be or what we were doing and when Dad was ready for us to come home he would WHISTLE. We could hear that whistle from blocks away. My brother and I would, perfectly in sync, yell “COMING” at the top of our lungs and pedal as fast as we could to get there. We knew what our parent’s expectations were, we knew the rules, the boundaries and right from wrong. They trusted us to be responsible or we would have consequences.

In life you forget and take for granted the things that make you who you are, the core influences that shape you. Our world is so different from the world I grew up in. I am sad for our children and I try every day to do my part and give them a childhood similar to the one my brother and I had. One that is not stolen by the automatic life we now live in. Ones driven by smartphones, social media, binge watching and schedules. We no longer know how to wait for our turn, tolerate boredom and most are certainly not doing the work by hand. Instead, most pay someone else to do it for them. Getting instant gratification is how we live, so if we can't have it now, we feel anxious, stressed, and angry. Parents yell at their kids for their inability to be bored, their impatience, and their constant need to be entertained. Where do you think they learned that behavior? If as adults we can’t sit still for 1 minute without picking up our phones to entertain ourselves, because we are incapable of being content in the stillness, how will our children be content?

As you get older, you reconsider what you want in your life and what you want it to look like. I feel so lucky that my hometown afforded me so many meaningful memories that I can pass down to our kids. Memories that show how fulfilling and wonderful a simple life can be. As a kid I lived a life of freedom. Did I make mistakes and get hurt? Yes. But that is what is supposed to happen. Those mistakes taught me how to stand on my own two feet. I have a vivid memory of being 5 years old. I rode my bike by myself at this giant Catholic Church in Lake Charles. You see, our house backed up to this church and it was massive. It spanned several acres, with a school and numerous other buildings. While I was riding I thought I would do a trick on my bike as I rode barefoot. Well, that trick didn’t pan out like I thought it would and I took a nose dive into the concrete. Blood & skin everywhere. Tears were shed and screams left unheard. No one was around and I had to limp home, jump over the chainlink fence and find my mom to help me clean up. Did my parents make me stop riding my bike or shorten my leash after that accident? No. Was I scared to ride alone? No. Did I stop trying tricks? No. It made me more responsible, tougher, resilient and gritty. 

Grit is nearly non-existent among children, teens and young adults these days. They have no idea what grit is or truly means. It’s not their fault, it was the way they were raised. They were never unsupervised. They have been watched like hawks since they were babies. Their parents took care of everything for them, but they were incapable of being responsible for themselves or their space. They didn’t contribute to hard-work around the house, so they never had a sense of responsibility for themselves or their space. Anytime there was a problem it was solved for them. Books refer to these parents as helicopter & lawn mower parents. They are incapable of accepting criticism because they were always told they were the best and it wasn’t their fault. They never got to work out their own problems with friends because someone always intervened and shut the problem down or brushed it under the rug. Helicopter parenting and the like have made children into ineffective adults. They cannot face challenges head on. They give up, quit, cry, whine, complain, and deflect blame. This lack of grit is disempowering and is said to lead to depression. It is no wonder our world is in peril. Teen & young adult depression and suicide rates are off the charts and growing every year. But what are we doing to help? The opposite of what we should be doing, we coddle and protect even more. We continue to over-schedule never leaving our kids alone to figure things out for themselves. We demolish any and all obstacles before our kids even get the chance to make and learn from big mistakes. Failing is a part of life and learning to deal with failure is critical to survival.  

 The freedom I had as a kid is the same freedom we want to give our kids. My parents trusted us and because of that trust we are strong, resilient and tenacious. As parents we refuse to be afraid of the what-if. It is painful to see your child hurt or sad. However, terrible things happen in life and if our children never experience them as children they will be ill-equipped to deal with them as adults. And you thought the terrible two’s were bad… just wait until the terrible 22’s if you do not prepare your child. If we want our children to grow into strong adults, the type of people that will not back away from a fight, stand up for themselves and their friends. The type of people that can lose their job and instead of throwing themselves a pity party that loss lights a fire in their belly that drives them to find the job of their dreams. We have to let them make mistakes, play alone, solve disagreements, fight their own battles, make their own appointments, fill out their own candy grams and complete their own projects . Even at a young age. 

We let our kids play in the street, Hunt can ride his bike by himself in the neighborhood, if a friend lives in our neighborhood he has to ride his bike and ask if they can play, I do not call the parent and ask for him. Hunt gets to stay home alone for short periods of time. Another way we try to foster grit and responsibility is through chores. Our kids have real chores & responsibilities: scooping the poop, helping with the dishes, doing their own laundry, setting the table, clearing the table, feeding the dog, making their beds every morning, making their own breakfast and lunch, packing their own school lunch, unloading the groceries, etc. As they get older the responsibilities will grow. Another key lesson we teach our kids is being responsible for themselves and their things in the morning before school. If the time comes to leave and they do not have their backpacks ready- homework, lunch, water, teeth brushed, hair fixed, shoes on and whatever else they need for school, etc. If they forget something that is on them and we will not go back to the house to get those missing items. They will have to suffer the consequences at school and I guarantee you they will not forget again. If our kids decide to pursue a hobby they have to excel at it. They do not get to commit to something and put half effort into it. They have to practice and do their best. The same goes for school. Our children have the luxury of going to a private school, but we told them that if they are not doing their best and do not take it seriously, we won’t allow them to attend any longer. All of these small things add up to independence, self-reliance and responsibility. We have to STOP protecting/controlling these miniature humans to their demise. Allow them to make mistakes and learn. Give them the tools they need to survive and THRIVE in their life.